my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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