I heard we made out
Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
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