Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
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His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
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Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!