is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
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It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
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He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?