if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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