I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize