the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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