the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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