There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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