Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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