I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
When did we convert life to cartoon?
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
