I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
