Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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