why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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