She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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