Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
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