i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
