i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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