Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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