seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
