If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
