toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
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Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
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note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
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