Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
