I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Still dying that you shit outside
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
