I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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