My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Randomize
