You guys sftrill at mcdondalds?!!!!
Yes.
fuckin bring me a cheseburgeria
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
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Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
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I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
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