if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Randomize
