I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
