Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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