I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
