1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
