Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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