i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
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