Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Randomize
