it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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