I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Randomize
