Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
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What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
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