so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
