i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
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