Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
