I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
