My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
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