omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
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