I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
