Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
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