dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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