So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
