just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Randomize
