my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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