Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
