I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
