Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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