Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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