i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
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