Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Randomize
