I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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