areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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